Late For This, Late For That (Late For The Love Of My Life)
by potidaea
Summary: Caroline never talks to anyone. But she let Kate in a bit.


Dr. Caroline Elliot didn't have regrets. She couldn't, not when she looked at William and Lawrence. Not when she looked at her name plaque on her office door. Not when she glanced over her many accomplishments while updating her CV when any new developments arose.

But Caroline Dawson, the young woman who was brave enough to shave her head and go to gay bars in London; to fall in love and go to Pride; to sit vigil and to stand unafraid as her closest friends fell to HIV/AIDS during the crisis; and to further study chemistry to figure out how to stop it from happening again. That Caroline...the one she was too weak to be...had regrets.

So, when John finally admitted to his affair it was like the floor fell out. She couldn't breathe. _But I deserve it, don't I? Lying to him for twenty years._ She wanted to scream. She was positively furious. How could he do this to her, to her boys? How could she have done this to herself?

About a week later, Kate McKenzie found her in her office with her head resting on her desk as she tried to breathe through a panic attack.

"Caroline? Are you all right?"

_Shit. Pretend it isn't happening? Pretend it isn't happening._ "Miss McKenzie!" She shot up. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"We had a meeting scheduled," she spoke carefully. A beat. "Is everything all right?"

Caroline forced a smile, ignoring the question. "Have a seat."

It was a short meeting, just briefly going over an issue with one of the new boarding students who had yet to fully assimilate. As Kate turned to leave she said, "Herbal tea and water usually helps. And if that doesn't do the trick, I'll take you out for drinks."

From that day on, Kate seemed to understand immediately when anxiety took hold of her. But everyone has limits. Kate was getting tired of her. Of her excuses. Of her fear.

And she was, too. But she didn't know any other way to live. Every time she tried to be more open with Kate, with the world, something deep in the recesses of her brain insisted it was unsafe. That if she moved another muscle, even thought about Kate, something terrible would happen. To her, to her children, to her mother, to Kate.

Logically, she knew the world was kinder than it had been when she was at Oxford. Still, she was paralyzed.

Then, one night, Caroline found herself on Kate's doorstep. It was well past midnight. She rang the bell anyway.

A groggy, confused Kate opened the door. "Caroline…? Are you okay? What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." She looked at Caroline - dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, a stark contrast to the tan peacoat she had worn to protect herself from the cold. And were those _slippers_?

"I, uh, was in the neighborhood," she tried bleakly.

Unconvinced, Kate relented, "Come in," guiding the older woman to her couch. "Do you want tea?"

"No, I won't keep you. Sorry I woke you up. I shouldn't have come. I'll go," suddenly anxious, she backpedalled as her chest tightened.

Kate had never seen her this frightened before, this disheveled."Caroline, sit. Did something happen?"

Caroline didn't move. Stuck between the couch and the door, she wrapped her coat tight around her waist. Armor. Kate moved closer, one hand resting gently on tensely crossed arms as she tried to find something, _anything_ in the other woman's blue eyes. But they were glazed over, distant. Her mouth opening, then with a shake of her head, closing - as if she wanted to speak but wouldn't allow herself. Kate wasn't sure Caroline even knew she was standing with her. "Let's just go to the couch, okay?" She gently prodded.

Somehow that woke her.

"I can't."

"Sure you can, it's right there," Kate smiled.

Her voice was tired. "No. I can't do this. I…I love you Kate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," she smiled sadly, "But I can't. It's too much. I'm terrified every fucking moment of the day. I can't. I can't. I can't." Tears fell down her cheeks as she gripped at her head, as if to hold the thoughts in; beginning to rock herself as she mindlessly repeated two phrases like a see-saw: _I love you. I can't._

Caroline had come undone before, but never to this extent. Kate shepherded her to the couch, heart aching. Pulling the blonde into a hug, she pressed her head against her chest hoping the feel of her own breathing would calm her. "It's okay. Just breathe. You're safe. I'm here."

It took Caroline a year to truly believe that. And a year and one day to never believe it again.


End file.
